Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Ah, Valentine’s Day is upon us at last. You can practically smell the joy in the air.

Or is it really joy that I smell? It’s so difficult to tell some days.

Now, don’t forget to buy those flowers for your loved one. She’ll love you for it!

Oh, don’t pick those. Do you want her to think you’re cheap? No no no, that will not do. Buy those over there. You know, the ones that cost about the same as a car tune up? Better yet, the ones that cost as much as a new DVD player. Yes, those ones. That’s it. There you are.

Oh, but you are getting her a card, aren’t you? Of course you are. Something that tells her how much she means to you, how important she is in your life, how you would be lost without her – all encapsulated in five brief lines (or less!) of banal prose. Don’t be stingy, mind you! Get the big one, with bright pink flowers and shiny embossed letters. This is the love of your life we’re talking about.

But you’re not just getting her a card and flowers, are you? How tacky! Is that all she means to you? You know what she’s expecting, don’t you? Come on, don’t make me say it. You know what to get her. She’s been hinting about it all year. Something nice. Something that sparkles! Something that’s classy. Something that’s expensive. Real expensive. The more expensive, the better!

Money equals love, don’t you know? The more you love her, the more you must spend to show it. Don’t you know how much her girlfriend’s significant others spent on them? Do you care for her so little? What’s more important, her or a little money? What’s mere wealth compared to the purity of what you two have together? What do you mean, you can’t afford it? You have a credit card, don’t you? Just charge it! The bill won’t even come for another month.

Spend, spend, spend!

After all – how else will she know that you really care?