Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Ah, Valentine’s Day is upon us at last. You can practically smell the joy in the air.

Or is it really joy that I smell? It’s so difficult to tell some days.

Now, don’t forget to buy those flowers for your loved one. She’ll love you for it!

Oh, don’t pick those. Do you want her to think you’re cheap? No no no, that will not do. Buy those over there. You know, the ones that cost about the same as a car tune up? Better yet, the ones that cost as much as a new DVD player. Yes, those ones. That’s it. There you are.

Oh, but you are getting her a card, aren’t you? Of course you are. Something that tells her how much she means to you, how important she is in your life, how you would be lost without her – all encapsulated in five brief lines (or less!) of banal prose. Don’t be stingy, mind you! Get the big one, with bright pink flowers and shiny embossed letters. This is the love of your life we’re talking about.

But you’re not just getting her a card and flowers, are you? How tacky! Is that all she means to you? You know what she’s expecting, don’t you? Come on, don’t make me say it. You know what to get her. She’s been hinting about it all year. Something nice. Something that sparkles! Something that’s classy. Something that’s expensive. Real expensive. The more expensive, the better!

Money equals love, don’t you know? The more you love her, the more you must spend to show it. Don’t you know how much her girlfriend’s significant others spent on them? Do you care for her so little? What’s more important, her or a little money? What’s mere wealth compared to the purity of what you two have together? What do you mean, you can’t afford it? You have a credit card, don’t you? Just charge it! The bill won’t even come for another month.

Spend, spend, spend!

After all – how else will she know that you really care?

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Everything is real on TV

The universe is a strange place sometimes.

On one hand, you have people who think they know what's best for you, telling you who you are, and what you are supposed to be doing.

They tell you what toothpaste to use, what moisturizer will make you look 25 years younger, the TV show that will heal your ulcers, the magic football jersey that will make the women love you, the beer that will make you a man. They'll sell you your soul back to you, for the low, low price of $29.95 (per month, not including shipping and handling).

On the other hand, you have people who think they know who you are, and tell you what you have been doing wrong.

They tell you how you can never get ahead, how it was a waste of time to take that challenging job, how unlikely it is that you'll reach your goals, what a mistake it was to try that new hairdo, how ugly that new watch you bought is. Conform. Be like us. Give up hope. Lower your expectations. Watch Friends. Drink Miller Light. Eat Frito Lays. Don't try anything different. Don't be different. Different is scary. Different is dangerous. Remember: we are all individuals! As long as no one rocks the boat.

Talk about Britney Spears.

"Isn't her behaviour outrageous? And Brad Pitt. What a cad, huh? What do you mean, I don't know him? I see him every day - in the papers. How about those wacky twins who used to be on Full House? Didn't their parents raise them any better? My kids? What about them? They're at the mall...I think.


What war?

Is there a war going on? Gosh, I hate those.

Is someone starving? Don't talk to me about that. I don't want to hear about it. There's nothing I can do about it anyway.

What's on TV? Can you believe what happened last week?

I think there's supposed a new Survivor on tonight! I wonder who'll get kicked off this time?

What do you mean it's not real? Of course it's real! It's on TV."

Everything is real on TV.